As You Wish Chapter Eight: A Time of Miracles
This is chapter eight! To start reading from the beginning, check out Chapter One: True Love
Summary:
Warlock rarely got sick, all illnesses passing him by as though he was wholly immune, but today he felt surprisingly ill. Since his parents are at work and Nanny is on her honeymoon it’s up to his Nana Agnes to stay with him. Much more interested in video games than books, he is surprised to find himself enthralled in the book she has decided to read aloud.
—
Do you not know? True love is ineffable. Death cannot stop it, only delay it for a while.
A classic tale of true love, ineffability, adventure, and miracles. You might think you know the story, but there is more to this edition of The Princess Bride than meets the eye.
Chapter Preview:
Author’s Note:
CW for this chapter: Canon-typical Shadwell
Many thanks again to TinyMoonDrops, skullfragments, sososomebody, and Nate for being my cheerreading squad as I worked on this fic, and special thanks to sososomebody for the AMAZING art of Aziraphale and Crowley as Buttercup and Westley.
Chapter Eight: A Time of Miracles
Nina and Maggie were pushing their way through the crowded marketplace, searching for the Man in Black as they had done all through the night. As Crowley’s dying scream echoed through the land, everyone on the busy street stopped in horror, paralyzed by the agony they heard in the air. The only movement came from Nina, who clutched Maggie’s arm tightly.
“Maggie, Maggie, listen, do you hear? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when Beelzebub slaughtered my mother. The Man in Black makes it now.”
“The Man in Black?” Maggie asked in confusion.
“His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for Ultimate suffering?” Nina attempted to push through the frozen crowd, seeking out the source of the noise. “Excuse me—” she began as she tried to gently make her way through. “—pardon me, it’s important—” Nina insisted, her heart filling with dismay as the sound started to fade. “Maggie, please,” Nina asked desperately, and Maggie drew herself up to her full height, cupping her hands around her mouth as she shouted.
“EVERYBODY, MOVE!” The crowd parted quickly, breaking out of their spell, as Nina and Maggie raced through, seeking out the sound that was getting increasingly faint, as if the one making it was running out of air in their lungs.
As the sound petered out, Nina and Maggie found themselves wandering through a copse of trees. The sound was now gone, and so they were left to wander through the trees as they searched in vain for the origin of that horrible scream.
Out of the grove Shax appeared, wheeling a barrow. Nina dashed forward, pushing her sword into their chest. “Where is the Man in Black.” Nina demanded.
Shax shook their head, refusing to speak.
“Maggie, jog their memory.” Nina nodded to Maggie shortly. Maggie nodded in return, and hit Shax with perhaps more force than intended, as rather than being motivated to answer, Shax simply crumpled to the ground.
Maggie’s face fell into dismay, and her eyes began to grow wet. “I’m sorry Nina, I did not mean to jog them so hard.” Nina did not reply, and Maggie looked up at them in confusion. “Nina?”
Nina ignored Maggie, or perhaps did not even hear her, as she kneeled on the ground, her eyes closed, and her sword held tightly in both hands. “I have been a drunk, a sinner, a wastrel, and a fool, but I have had my share of suffering. Mother, I have failed you for twenty years, but now our misery can end. Somewhere, somewhere close by is the man who can help us. I cannot find him alone, I need you.” Nina slowly rose, keeping her eyes closed, and Maggie took a step back as she stared. She thought to herself that despite the fact that she had experience seeing Nina completely passed out and unable to care for themself, she had never seen them look so open and vulnerable as now. “Mother, I need you to guide my sword. Please…” Nina called out softly “guide my sword.”
Nina wandered through the trees as if pulled by some sort of energy emitting from the sword. She stumbled as the sword made contact with a tree, bending in an almost improbable shape as Nina stepped back. Staring at what appeared at first glance to be a perfectly normal tree, Nina sighed heavily before slumping against it.
Had this been any other tree this would have been a perfectly average action, but this was not a normal tree— someone must have been listening to Nina’s pleas, as they had stumbled upon the Pit of Despair.
Nina and Maggie made their way down the winding staircase, stopping as they spotted Crowley, or rather the body that used to be Crowley, still strapped into The Machine.
Maggie approached slowly, holding a finger to Crowley’s pulse before looking at Nina and shaking her head.
“It just isn’t fair.” Nina was barely able to speak as she looked at Crowley’s body. For she was surely dead.
—
“Nana, Nana, wait a minute.” Warlock’s voice was urgent as he looked at Agnes with wide eyes. “What did Nina mean, ‘she’s surely dead.’ They didn’t mean dead?” Agnes gave no reply, her face blank. “I mean, Crowley’s only faking, right?” Warlock asked desperately.
“Do you want me to read this or not?” Agnes asked with a raised eyebrow, expression unimpressed.
Warlock’s face crumpled into dismay before a determined look appeared on his face. “Who gets Gabriel?” Warlock demanded.
Agnes looked at Warlock in confusion. “I don’t understand.”
“Who kills Prince Gabriel? At the end, I mean, Somebody’s gotta do it. Is it Nina? Who?”
“Nobody.” Agnes shrugs. “Nobody kills him. He lives.”
“You mean he wins? Jesus Nana! What did you read me this thing for?” Warlock all but shouted.
“You know, you’ve been very sick, and you’re taking this story very seriously.” Agnes shook her head. “I think we had better stop now.” She closed the book and began to stand.
Warlock shook his head frantically and reached forward, grabbing the edge of Agnes’ dress and pulling her back towards the chair. “No! I’m okay, I’m okay. Sit down, all right?” Warlock asked, hope at the edge of his voice.
“Okay.” Agnes sighed, sitting down and opening the book again. “All right, now, let’s see. Where were we? Oh yes. In the Pit of Despair.”
—
Nina rubbed her forehead as she sighed, feeling the beginnings of a headache building up. “Well!” She clapped. “We Montoya’s have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Maggie. Let’s get the body.” Nina began to remove the restraints around Crowley’s body.
“The body?” Maggie asked in confusion.
“Have you any money? I’ve used all of mine on brandy.” Nina asked as she relieved the last of Crowley’s bonds.
“I have a little,” Maggie replied cautiously.
Nina stepped back from the table and gestured for Maggie to pick up the corpse before making her way out of the Pit. “Let us hope that it’s enough to buy a miracle.”
—
Aziraphale stared out of her window, her heart uneasy. That scream had been horrifying, it was like a stab to her soul. Where are you, my love? She wondered. I cannot lose you again.
—
Nina and Maggie approached the door to a surprisingly neat cottage, with flowers in full bloom surrounding it, ivy climbing up the walls. Crowley’s body was slung over Maggie’s shoulder.
Nina knocked firmly at the door. Shuffling was heard behind it, and a man shouted through it. “Away, ye harlots!”
Nina gritted her teeth and knocked even harder on the door. A small window in the door slid open and narrow eyes belonging to a wrinkled face glared out. “What do you want?”
“Are you the Miracle Max Shadwell who worked for the King all those years?” Nina pressed.
“The King’s stinking son fired me.” Shadwell growled. “And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and poor lemon juice on it? We’re closed!” He slammed the window shut, but this did nothing to deter Nina, who simply rapped on the door again. “Beat it, or I’ll call the Brute Squad.” Shadwell snapped.
“I’m on the Brute Squad.” Maggie protested.
Shadwell looked at her with narrowed eyes. “You are the Brute Squad.”
“Please.” Nina pleaded. “We need a miracle. It’s very important.”
“Look, I’m retired. And besides, why would you want someone the King’s stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.” Shadwell snorted dismissively, though his eyes lit up when he heard Nina’s rapid response.
“He’s already dead.”
“Oh, is he now?” Shadwell replied, suddenly looking interested. “Let me take a look.”
Shadwell unlocked the door and Maggie and Nina quickly walked in, Maggie still carrying Crowley’s body.
She laid him down on the table that Shadwell had indicated. He began to poke at Crowley, humming. “Not so stiff as some,” he muttered.
“Sir, please, we’re in a terrible rush—” Nina began, but Shadwell interrupted her.
“Don’t you hurry me, missy. You hurry a miracle man; you get rotten miracles.” Eying them speculatively he asked, “do you got money?”
Maggie handed Nina her purse, which she carefully emptied and counted. “Sixty-five.”
Shadwell grumbled. “Let me give you some advice— it does not bode well to appear so tight-fisted. I have never worked for so little ever, except once, when it was a noble cause and—”
“This is noble, Sir.” Nina interrupted, pointing to Crowley. “Her husband is crippled. Their children are on the brink of starvation—”
Shadwell snorted a laugh. “And you are a rotten liar.”
Nina slammed her hands on the table, narrowing her eyes at Shadwell. “I need him to help avenge my mother, murdered these twenty years.”
Shadwell snorted. “Your first story was better. Now where did I put those bellows?” He looked around for a moment before spotting them. “Aha! He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I’ll ask him.” Shadwell grabbed the bellows, placing the tip into Crowley’s mouth.
“How? He’s dead, he can’t talk.” Nina asked in confusion.
“Ha! Look who knows so much.” Shadwell scoffed, pumping the bellows harder. “Look, as it happens, there are different kinds of dead. There’s sort of dead, mostly dead, and all dead. Luckily for you, this guy is only mostly dead. Once they get to be all dead, there’s only one thing you can do.”
Shadwell stopped pumping for a moment as Nina asked, “what’s that?”
Shadwell began to pump again “Go through his pockets and look for loose change.” Shadwell chortled, pumping again briefly before leaning in to show in Crowley’s ear. “Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What’s so important? What have you got here that’s worth living for?”
Shadwell pressed lightly on Crowley’s chest, and Crowley groaned faintly. “… tr… ooooo… luv…”
They all stared, a heavy silence until Nina burst out. “True love! You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that!” Nina urged Shadwell.
The older man licked his lips. “True love is the greatest thing in the world. Well, except for a nice cup of tea, milk, two sugars, perks you right up, I love that. But that’s not what he said. He distinctly said “to blave.” And, as we all know, “to blave” means “to bluff.” So you’re probably playing cards and he cheated—” before Shadwell could continue there was a shout from the other room.
“LIAR! LIAR! LIIAAAAR!” A woman stormed into the room, her eyes wild, her hair an improbable shade of red.
“Get back, witch!”
“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife! But after what you just said, I’m not even sure I want to be that anymore.” She pointed at Crowley. “It was true love, Max. True love, my God—”
“Tracey—” Shadwell backed away.
Tracey looked at Maggie and Nina “He’s afraid— ever since Prince Gabriel fired him, his confidence is shattered.”
“You promised you would not say his name!”
“Gabriel! Gabriel! Gabriel! Gabriel!” Tracey chased Shadwell around the room as he held his hands over his ears. “You know he was right to fire you! Nothing was the same without Samael, you became a phony just like so many others—”
“I’m not hearing anything—” Shadwell shouted. “Begone, Jezebel!”
“This is Aziraphale’s true love!” Nina interjected, shouting through the combined noise. “Bring him back to life, it will stop Gabriel’s wedding!”
Nina’s words got through enough for both Shadwell and Tracey to pause.
“She comes back, Gabriel suffers?” Shadwell asked excitedly.
“Humiliations galore.” Nina replied, opening her arms with a smile.
“Now that’s a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I’m on the job.”
Tracey smiled and her eyes fell on Crowley’s placid face. Something about it was stirringly familiar.
“You understand, he won’t be good for much right off.” Shadwell informed Nina distractedly as he rifled through various books on the nearby shelves.
“What parts can I count on?” Nina asked urgently.
“Well, the wedding’s only a few hours away, yes?” Tracey asked as she joined Shadwell in looking through their books. “If we’re lucky, the tongue will work, and absolutely the brain. She should probably be able to walk a little if you give her a nudge to get started.”
Shadwell whistled as he finally found the page he was looking for. “Tracey, would you look at these ingredients, what a recipe— toad dust, volcanic mud, eel marrow—”
—
“Nana, can’t we skip this bit? I don’t care about the recipe.” Warlock grumbled.
“Don’t you want to know how they make it?” Agnes asked, her eyebrow raised once more.
“I just want to know if it works.” Warlock sighed. Agnes tsked, but obligingly skipped to the next relevant part of the story.
—
Nina stared at the small lump that was the result of Shadwell and Tracey’s efforts. While Shadwell and Tracey were looking at it with pride, Maggie’s gaze was as dubious as Nina’s.
“That’s a miracle pill?” Nina asked skeptically.
“Mhmm.” Tracey nodded, just as she finished adding the final touch, a chocolate coating. “The chocolate coating makes it go down easier— but you have to wait for fifteen minutes for full potency.”
Nina nodded as she took the pill, and Maggie picked up Crowley again, whose body felt decidedly more still. “Thank you, for everything.” Nina told them, her voice full of gratitude.
“Bye girls!” Tracey waved them off from the door. Shadwell came up behind her and called out to the departing party. “Have fun storming the castle!”
Nina and Maggie gave a returning wave as they left, and once she was sure they were out of earshot Tracey whispered to Shadwell “do you think it will work?”
Shadwell sighed, his face returning to his typical scowl. “It would take a miracle.”
Endnotes: We’re in the endgame now folks— only two more chapters to go!