As You Wish Chapter Nine: The Wedding
This is chapter nine! To start reading from the beginning, check out Chapter One: True Love
Summary:
Warlock rarely got sick, all illnesses passing him by as though he was wholly immune, but today he felt surprisingly ill. Since his parents are at work and Nanny is on her honeymoon it’s up to his Nana Agnes to stay with him. Much more interested in video games than books, he is surprised to find himself enthralled in the book she has decided to read aloud.
—
Do you not know? True love is ineffable. Death cannot stop it, only delay it for a while.
A classic tale of true love, ineffability, adventure, and miracles. You might think you know the story, but there is more to this edition of The Princess Bride than meets the eye.
Chapter Preview:
“What are our liabilities?”
“There is but one working castle gate, and it is guarded by one hundred brutes.” Nina replied, gently pulling Crowley up so that they could peek over the wall. Frowning, Crowley allowed them to sit her back down behind the wall.
“And our assets?” Crowley asked, now flexing his feet.
“Your brains, Maggie’s strength, and my steel.” Nina replied confidently.
Crowley stared at her in shock before shaking his head. “That’s it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this…”
Author’s Note:
Even more of the traditional Princess Bride canon is thrown out of the window wiith this chapter. I hope that you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! I don’t think that there is anything in this chapter that merits a serious trigger warning, but if you read this and think that there is something I should have warned for but did not please let me know so that I can make the necessary adjustments!
Many thanks again to TinyMoonDrops, skullfragments, sososomebody, and Nate for being my cheerreading squad as I worked on this fic, and special thanks to sososomebody for the AMAZING art of Aziraphale and Crowley as Buttercup and Westley.
Chapter Nine: The Wedding
Gabriel adjusted his wedding suit as he stood on the terrace outside his chambers. Beelzebub was standing next to him silently.
“Eric has secured the hundred Brutes?”
“Yes, Sire. They are waiting with him outside the gate. There are four that remain to guard the castle.”
Gabriel nodded, looking out over the grounds, deep in his thoughts. “That is good. I’ve got the boots of a Guilder Army officer at hand, and I’ll track them around in the mud after I’ve killed the Princess. I’ll say that I witnessed them making their escape, and the boot prints will be our proof. Not the best argument for the case, but it’s proof enough— no one will doubt the ruler of the country.” Looking towards the sunset Gabriel smiled. “Should God be on our side, we will be at war by the morning.”
—
Maggie and Nina crouched on top of the outer wall of the castle. The main gate was in full view, and in front of it were much more than thirty Brutes. Maggie bit her lip nervously as she sat against the wall next to Crowley’s mostly dead body.
“Nina, there’s more than thirty.”
“What’s the difference?” Nina shrugged. “We have her. Now help me here.” Nina kneeled in front of Crowley. “We’ll have to force-feed them.”
“Has it been fifteen minutes?” Maggie asked curiously as she made sure that Crowley was in a right-angled sitting position as Nina brought out the miracle pill.
“We can’t wait. The wedding is in half an hour, and we must strike in the hustle and bustle beforehand. Tilt her head back, open her mouth.”
“How long do we have to wait before we know if it works?” Maggie asked curiously as she complied with Nina’s request.
Nina dropped the pill into Crowley’s mouth before beginning to respond. “Your guess is as good as mine—”
Nina was cut off as Crowley’s golden eyes burst open and she began to speak frantically. “I’ll beat you both apart! I’ll take you both together!”
Nina and Maggie’s eyes met, Nina’s crinkling as she smiled. Maggie snorted. “Guess not very long then.”
There was a pause before Crowley spoke again. “Why won’t my arms move?” She asked impatiently.
“You’ve been mostly dead all day.” Maggie replied, resting a kind hand on Crowley’s shoulder.
“We had Miracle Shadwell make a pill to bring you back.” Nina informed her.
“I can’t move my legs either.” Crowley frowned.
“I’m sure that will come.” Nina told him encouragingly. “Try not to overdo it.”
“Who are you?” Crowley asked with narrowed eyes. “Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where’s Aziraphale?”
“Let me explain—” Nina paused briefly. “No, there is too much, let me sum up. Aziraphale is marrying Gabriel in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, and make our escape after I kill Count Beelzebub.”
“Hmmm, that does not leave much time for dilly-dallying.” Crowley was focused on his fingers, which, with concentration, he was able to begin wiggling.
“You just wiggled your finger, that’s wonderful.” Maggie told him cheerfully.
Crowley winked at her. “I’ve always been a quick healer.” Turning her gaze toward Nina she asked, “What are our liabilities?”
“There is but one working castle gate, and it is guarded by one hundred brutes.” Nina replied, gently pulling Crowley up so that they could peek over the wall. Frowning, Crowley allowed them to sit her back down behind the wall.
“And our assets?” Crowley asked, now flexing his feet.
“Your brains, Maggie’s strength, and my steel.” Nina replied confidently.
Crowley stared at her in shock before shaking his head. “That’s it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this…”
“You just shook your head!” Maggie said with false cheer. “That doesn’t make you happy?”
Crowley turned his head again and looked at Maggie with a raised eyebrow. “My brains, her steel, and your strength against one hundred men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Can you imagine what it’s like for me?” Crowley asked desperately. “I’m sitting here, barely able to wiggle my toes, while only a few hundred yards away my true love marries my murderer?” Exhausted, Crowley looked down at his hands, which he was just barely able to clench into fists. “I mean, if only we had a wheelbarrow, that would be something,” they grumbled.
Nina brightened and turned toward Maggie. “Where did we put that wheelbarrow that the person you knocked out had?”
Maggie paused. “On top of them, I think.” Turning to Crowley, she spoke brightly. “Okay, we can probably get a wheelbarrow!”
“Well, why didn’t you list that among our assets in the first place?” Crowley asked, his arms shifting slightly as though he was trying to raise them in exasperation. “What I wouldn’t give for a Holocaust cloak,” she sighed, gathering her strength as she started to stand.
“There, we can’t help you.” Nina frowned, grabbing Crowley’s arm to help her up.
“Will this do?” Maggie asked, pulling a large cloak out of her bag.
“Where did—” Nina looked to Maggie in surprise.
Sheepishly, Maggie explained. “While you were after the eel marrow, Shadwell gave me this to help gather the volcanic mud. It fit so nice… he and Tracey said I could keep it.”
With Nina’s assistance, Crowley slowly began to walk along the wall.
“All right let’s get that wheelbarrow. And I’ll need a sword eventually.”
“Why?” Nina asked in surprise. “You can’t even lift one.”
“True.” Crowley shrugged. “But that is hardly common knowledge.” Stumbling, she caught herself on the wall. Maggie grabbed Crowley’s arm to stop him from going over the wall entirely.
“Thank you. Now, there may be some problems once we get inside—”
“I’ll say.” Nina interrupted before rattling off quickly. “How do I find the Count? Once I kill them, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape? Once—”
“Nina!” Maggie cut her off in turn. “Don’t pester him, he’s had a hard day.”
“Right, sorry.” Nina replied as she attempted to relax herself. “It will all work out.”
—
Aziraphale stood in front of the mirror, smoothing the front of her wedding gown. Muriel stood to the side, her arm a comforting weight on Aziraphale’s arm.
The door opened, and Gabriel was in the doorway, Count Beelzebub behind him, along with four guards.
“You don’t seem excited, my little muffin,” Gabriel frowned.
“Should I be?” Aziraphale asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Brides often are, I’m told.” His smile would have been charming on anyone else, but on Gabriel it merely seemed sinister.
“I will not marry tonight.” Aziraphale replied, her lips cresting into a gentle smile.
—
Outside, Crowley, Nina, and Maggie were getting into position. Smiling at each other, hope was rising in their hearts that they just might pull this off.
—
Lord Eastgate was walking Aziraphale down the aisle when those in the chapel became aware that there was some sort of disturbance outside. The musicians faltered in their playing, and Aziraphale and her father naturally stopped and turned toward the source of the sound. Gabriel gestured to Beelzebub, who quickly left with the guards. He then turned towards the musicians and made an impatient gesture for them to continue, which they did uneasily. Aziraphale turned back towards Gabriel, a twinkle in her eyes and her smile much more like a smirk. If she walked even more slowly than she had been originally, then who was to say anything about it? There was only one person she knew that would be making such a fuss to interrupt her wedding, and she could not be more pleased.
—
Eric was standing at the gate with the rest of the brutes, tapping his foot anxiously. He did not like any of this. The fact that the prince was so determined to blame Guilders for the threats against Aziraphale did not sit right with him. He did not wish to believe badly of his majesty, but he could not help his suspicion. He had grown fond of Aziraphale over the months, and she was important to Muriel, and therefore important to Eric as well. He would not wish to see her murdered.
He was so distracted by his thoughts that he did not even notice the giant floating towards them until the panic from the guards had become vocal. At first, they were simply a phantom floating in the darkness, but then the voice beneath the cloak began to speak, ominous and deep.
“I AM THE DREAD PIRATE LUCIFER, AND THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS!”
The giant was floating closer, and the panic in his guards was increasing, but Eric found his own shoulders were relaxing with ease. Crowley and the Dread Pirate Lucifer were one in the same, and thus these were allies. Hopefully.
“MY PEOPLE ARE HERE, AND I AM HERE, BUT SOON YOU WILL NOT BE HERE!”
Some of the Brutes began to slip away, and Eric let them. The fewer here for him and Crowley to fight the better.
The floating giant was, of course, Maggie, standing inside the wheelbarrow that was being pushed by Nina and Crowley, whose strength was slowly increasing.
“Now?” Nina whispered.
“Light her.” Crowley hissed back.
With a quick moment the cloak around Maggie burst into flames and she roared “THE DREAD PIRATE LUCIFER TAKES NO SURVIVORS— NEVER SURVIVORS. ALL OF YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE: THE DREAD PIRATE LUCIFER IS HERE FOR YOUR SOULS!”
Crowley privately thought to herself that Maggie quite likely had a great future in theatre as all but one of the guards had fled. Once the three were sure that almost all of them were gone, Maggie shed the cloak and stepped out of the wheelbarrow, taking over supporting Crowley from Nina as the swordswoman drew her weapon and held it to Eric’s neck.
—
Inside the chapel, Aziraphale had only just made it to the altar, smiling serenely at Gabriel. “Here comes my Crowley now.”
“Your Crowley is dead.” Gabriel hissed. “I killed him myself.”
Aziraphale smiled again as she asked, “then why is there fear behind your eyes?”
Gabriel lent back, unable to hide the apprehension from his eyes in the face of Aziraphale’s certainty.
The clergyman cleared his throat, and Gabriel was able to tear his eyes away from Aziraphale’s steely gaze.
“Mawidge…mawidge is what bwings us togewer today… Mawidge, the bwessed awwangement, that dweam wiffim a dweam…”
—
“Give us the gate key.” Crowley demanded.
“Whoa there, no need for the sword, I’m happy to give you the key!” Minding the sword at his neck, Eric carefully drew the key from his pocket. “See, it’s yours, no problem.”
Nina snatched the key from him, lowering her sword, but not sheathing it. “Why are you helping us?”
“Oh, Aziraphale is my friend!” Eric replied eagerly, hoping to get across how very much he was not at all a threat. “We were hoping that you would be able to make it here soon. You’re Crowley, right?” Eric asked, gesturing towards him.
“Uh, yeah. Who are you?” Crowley asked, confused.
“My name is Eric. Do you want me to open the gate for you, actually? It can get a bit sticky, and I’m sure you would rather be in an easily defensible position.” Eric held out his hand for the key again, and Nina handed it to him almost in confusion.
“Thanks mate.” Eric unlocked the gate with only a small amount of difficulty— he was not lying when he said it was sticky and there was a trick to it. Once they were all through, he started ahead of them. “Would you like me to guide you to the chapel? This place is kind of a maze if you’re not used to it.” Eric offered cheerfully.
The three invaders looked at each other in shared confusion before shrugging and deciding to follow where Eric was leading them. Ahead they heard the clanking as several guards were running toward them, and Eric quickly pulled them all behind into a side corridor to hide as the guards ran past. “This way!” Eric hissed. “It’s a bit longer, but we’ll be able to avoid them until they double back when they realize that we’ve passed them already.”
“Wait!” Nina hissed. “The count was among those guards!”
Before any of them could stop her, Nina had already darted forward and felled two of the guards. The remaining two turned and attacked her as well, and she slaughtered them in turn. Eric winced, as they were supposedly his compatriots. But he had never particularly liked Ligur, Usher, Furfur, or Josh.
Nina had dispatched all four guards before anyone else could so much as blink. Their bodies lay on the floor between the Count and Nina, both holding their swords at the ready. Nina met the Count’s eyes evenly as she spoke, her voice deadly and soft.
“Hello. My name is Nina Montoya. You killed my mother. Prepare to die.”
For a long moment they simply stood there, and just as Nina was about to lunge forward, the Count did something none of them could have ever expected— they ran away. Nina reared back in temporary surprise before she took off after them.
The Count ran through a half-empty doorway, slamming the door shut behind them and locking it securing before descending the stairs behind it. Nina came just as it locked and began pounding at the door, to no avail.
“Maggie! I need you!” She shouted.
Maggie shared a look with Eric and Crowley, who waved her off. “Go.” Crowley gestured. “Eric and I will be fine; you can meet up with us later.”
“They’re getting away from me, Maggie! Please.” Nina cried out desperately.
Maggie cast and uncertain gaze back at Crowley and Eric but was again waved off. “I will be right back.” Maggie promised, handing Crowley off to Eric so that she could lean on him instead before taking off after Nina.
Meanwhile, Eric and Crowley made their way to the chapel, with Crowley seeming to grow in strength with every step.
—
Aziraphale was more than slightly entertained as she listened to the clergyman drone on, seeing Gabriel’s expression get more and more frustrated. “Should anyone pwesent know of any weason that this couple should noww be jwoined in howwy matrimony, speak now or forwever hold your pweace.”
The clergyman paused, and prepared to go on, but was surprised when Aziraphale herself cleared her throat. “I have an objection.”
“Aziraphale…” Gabriel began warningly, but she ignored him, instead turning toward the wedding guests, the majority of whom looked surprised, though Muriel simply smiled encouragingly.
“I have no desire to marry Gabriel. I agreed to this marriage with no small amount of reluctance; however, I was informed that the alternative was that myself and my family would be put to death, and despite having little desire to live myself, I did not wish that upon my parents and brother.”
Aziraphale caught the eyes of her parents and Raphael, whose expressions had moved from surprise to horror. She had never disclosed to any of them the threats with which Gabriel had issued as part of his proposal. The King also looked disturbed, though the Queen simply glared. Aziraphale took a deep breath before continuing.
“All that said, I discovered recently that my true love lives… and that regardless of whether or not I married him, the prince has arranged for my death either way.”
Shocked gasped rippled throughout the room, and Gabriel stormed closer to Aziraphale, who looked at him unflinchingly.
“You foolish, insolent, girl!” Gabriel spat. “You could have been Queen, but instead you lust after a sailor who is long gone from this world. I killed him myself just this morning!”
“No.” Aziraphale stepped back in shock. It could not be. And let Gabriel’s eyes were full of nothing but fire and certainly. The silence echoed in the room before the doors to the chapel were slammed open, Crowley leaning in the doorway with a smirk on his face.
“I assure you; the rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated.”
—
After Maggie tore the door open, Nina darted down the stairs. She was looking around the dining room she had just entered, trying to divine where the Count had gone when she registered that there was a dagger flying in her direction, its aim true. In another world, it might have pierced her stomach, causing a vicious amount of bleeding, and lead to a slow death.
Fortunately for Nina, she had long since begun wearing a thick leather armor under her deceptively loose clothes, and so while the dagger winded her, it did not wound her. Still, the way that Beelzebub was advancing on her confidently, the Count had not noticed, and so she feigned injury worse than it was, slumping down as she waited for the Count to come within striking distance.
“I’m sorry, mother… I tried… I tried…” Privately, Nina thought she might be congratulated on her acting skills, it was only a pity that none but the Count was there to witness them, and the Count would soon be dead.
“You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. It’s simply incredible— have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that’s the worst thing I ever heard of, how marvelous.”
The Count drew back, leaning against the table, and Nina examined him through slitted eyes, watching his movements. “Forgive me, mother… say you forgive me… please…”
“I wish I had my notebooks— what I’d give to know what you’re feeling. At least answer this: the mental or the physical, which pain is worse?”
Nina decided that if the Count would not grow closer, she would have to go to them. Still feigning injury, she clutched the knife with her left hand, doing her best to hide the lack of blood. Fortunately, Beelzebub was too busy staring in fascination at Nina’s expression that they did not register it.
“By Satan, are you still trying to win?” Beelzebub asked incredulously as Nina stood. They pushed off the table and drew their sword again, coming toward where Nina was leaning against the wall in faux pain. “You’ve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It’s going to get you into trouble someday.”
The Count flicked their sword towards Nina, but she parried easily. They attacked again but Nina, tossing aside the dagger and giving up on her feigned injury, instead went on the offensive.
“Hello. My name is Nina Montoya. You killed my mother; prepare to die.” They were starting to truly fight now, as Nina said again, her voice increasing in volume: “Hello! My name is Nina Montoya. You killed my mother, prepare to die.”
“Stop saying that!” Beelzebub shouted, running around one of the tables, but unfortunately far from the exit. Nina launched up and over the table, managing to strike true into the Count’s shoulder and causing them to drop their sword as she shouted once more.
“HELLO! MY NAME IS NINA MONTOYA! YOU KILLED MY MOTHER. PREPARE TO DIE!”
Nina backed them against the wall, stabbing their other shoulder. “No—” Beelzebub gasped.
“Offer me money!” Nina demanded.
“Yes!” Beelzebub gasped again, wheezing for breath that wouldn’t come as Nina attacked again, a slash bleeding along their left cheek.
“Power too, promise me that!” Nina demanded again, slicing the other cheek.
“All that I have and more, please—” Beelzebub had never before felt this weak, and even as Nina drew back, they knew that they would never reach their own sword in time.
“Offer me everything I ask for!” Nina opened her arms wide, a predatory gleam in her eyes.
“Anything you want—” Beelzebub grimaced, wondering just how much Nina would demand of them. Before they could think too clearly about it, Nina’s sword had already slid through their heart. The last words they heard was Nina’s vindictive hiss.
“I want my mother back, you son of a bitch.”
Endnotes:
Next week is the last chapter ahhhhhh. I GOT IMPATIENT, THE FINAL CHAPTER IS ALREADY UP!
Thank you to everyone who has left comments here idk if y’all understand how much it makes my day to see y’alls feedback in my inbox. 🥰🥰🥰