Summary

“I’m home, y’all better be decent!” Laura called loudly as she opened the door.
Wade and Logan were not, in fact, decent. As a matter of fact, they were naked and on the kitchen floor, covered in flour, sugar, and all the ingredients they had been intending to make into a cake for Laura’s birthday. […] which is why it was Wade who called out:
“I know it’s your birthday, but avoid the kitchen unless you want to see your parents in their birthday suits!”

OR

Five times the universe stops logan and wade from getting it on, freak style.

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This fic is part of a series, but can be read in isolation!

Notes

Happy Valentine’s day, Kotias!

Many thanks to 71TeenIdles for his excellent beta work on this fic!

Genital terms used: penis, T-dick, cunt, cock, dick, clit

5 times Wade and Logan got interrupted having sex and 1 time they were left to fuck in peace

1. Al

Wade was bored. And as we all know, a bored Wade is a dangerous Wade. He was idly waiting for the author to get to the point, when the door to the apartment opened with a slight bang.

“Sorry! Just got my hands a bit full. Can you get the door?” Logan called out, and Wade jumped up from the couch to comply. Wade enjoyed being a brat, but he also enjoyed being told what to do, and on occasion, he even did it.

Once the door was closed Wade made his way into the small kitchenette where Logan was unpacking all of the groceries.

“Whatcha making?” Wade pressed himself onto Logan’s back, wrapping his arms around the other man.

“It was going to be a surprise. But if you’re going to be nosy…” Logan hummed.

“Oooo I do like a good surprise. But also I’m bored.” Logan moved to put some of the groceries in the fridge and Wade shuffled along with him, arms still wrapped around his waist. Logan tolerated this with no small amount of bemusement.

“Do you not have anything else to do, bub?” Logan sighed. “Other than annoying me?”

“Aww but Peanut, don’t you know, you’re my favorite thing to do?”

The innuendo was clear in Wade’s voice, which had turned sultry. Logan could feel a pressure against his ass that hadn’t been there before. He hummed before pressing back against Wade with a small wiggle. Wade breathed in sharply before giving a soft nibble, then softly kissing down logans neck..

“I need to— ah— finish putting these groceries away.”

Wade began to suck a bruise on Logan’s throat and he moaned in response before gasping “maybe just the perishables.”

It wasn’t long before Logan found himself without pants, with Wade on his knees, T-dick in his mouth and two fingers teasing the outer lips of Logan’s cunt. Logan was caressing the soft skin of Wade’s skull as their eyes remained locked. The scars looked like they should have made his skin rough, there were pits and the skin was uneven in terms of shape, but the texture was smooth and soft. The door opened again, this time with less of a bang. Logan broke eye contact as Al walked into the apartment. Logan hastily began to return his pants to their previous position on his body, and Wade let out a groan as he stood up.

“Althea you complete cockblock.” Wade huffed.

“Might I remind you that this is my apartment!” Al snapped in response. “Y’all need to get your own place if you’re going to be having sex everywhere. And take the dog too, she is entirely too interested in my underwear.”

Wade and Logan exchanged a look; Logan shrugged. “She’s not exactly wrong, this apartment is a bit small for four people and a dog.”

2. Laura

“I’m home, y’all better be decent!” Laura called loudly as she opened the door.

Wade and Logan were not, in fact, decent. As a matter of fact, they were naked and on the kitchen floor, covered in flour, sugar, and all the ingredients they had been intending to make into a cake for Laura’s birthday. Logan had Wade’s dick in his mouth, which is why it was Wade who called out:

“I know it’s your birthday, but avoid the kitchen unless you want to see your parents in their birthday suits!”

Laura made a noise of disgust, and Logan pulled off of Wade with a small popping noise.

“Later, then?” Logan asked with a raised eyebrow. “Later!” Wade nodded fervently before they pulled themselves up off the floor.

Later had had the potential to be in the shower, but alas Laura insisted they take separate ones, because she was pitching in for expenses and the water bill was already astronomically high.

3. Mary Puppins aka Dogpool

Wade loved Mary Puppins. He had killed an alternate version of himself for her, she was the light of his life, and the only dog he had ever let lick his face. She was also a cockblock. He and Logan were on the couch and had barely started kissing when she had jumped onto his back, enthusiastically licking his neck.

Not exactly the kind of licking he had been in the mood for. He flipped over so that she was on his stomach and his back was pressed against Logan’s chest. The man grunted, but was otherwise relatively unphased. This was an unfortunately common occurrence.

“What is it girl? Why are you being a cockblock this fine morning?” Wade cooed. Mary licked his face again, and Logan made a note to insist that Wade wash out his mouth before the two of them kissed again. He did not want second hand dog slobber. Again.

“I think she needs to take a piss. Why couldn’t we get a cat or something? At least they at least don’t need to go outdoors to do their business.” Logan grumbled.

“I think you’re right, she’s doing her pee-pee dance, and we don’t want another accident.” Wade sighed. “Later?”

“Later,” Logan agreed. “After you brush your teeth.” Wade rolled off Logan with a laugh, kissing him on the forehead as he cradled Mary in his arms.

“Bleh.” Logan wiped his forehead with his sleeve. “Get!”

4. Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead

“Wade!” The door slammed open. Wade and Logan groaned in annoyance. Wade had just gotten comfortable with Logan’s second finger in his ass, and was anticipating the third when Colossus’s voice boomed through the apartment.

“I knew giving him that emergency key was a mistake,” Wade whined at the emptiness as Logan slipped his lube coated fingers out of him.

“We better see what he wants,” Logan sighed, unstrapping his harness and tossing it on the bed. Wade sighed as well, taking a moment to look regretfully at the abandoned tentacle dildo. They wrapped themselves in their bathrobes, Logan’s, black and yellow and Wade’s white with unicorns.

“Dude, you really gotta work on your timing.” Wade shouted back as they walked out of their room.

“Yukio was kidnapped by Mystique.” Negasonic replied flatly, looking at them unimpressed.

“Well why didn’t you lead with that!?” Wade gasped before darting to the laundry room to find his suit.

“Will you need my help?” Logan asked with a raised eyebrow. “I noticed you only called for Wade.”

“You are retired, are you not?” Colossus replied “We should be more than enough to handle Mystique ourselves.”

“My girlfriend has been kidnapped, could we maybe hurry this up?” Negasonic snapped.

Deadpool skidded into the room seconds later.

“Okay, I’m ready. When do we ride?”^[1]

5. Peter Parker

Peter was grateful that the Poolverine Household had taken him in as one of their own. Laura was the sister he had never had, and Logan and Wade were pretty decent parents. But Peter could not deny that part of him was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, considering his distinct lack of luck when it came to his parental figures dying in his arms. The good news about Wade and Logan was that, given their regenerative healing, it was pretty much impossible for them to die permanently. Truthfully, that was the only thing that made him feel comfortable letting them in emotionally when he had been hurt so many times before.

That said there was, in fact, a problem with Wade and Logan. When he had stumbled into their apartment for the first time, on the verge of bleeding out and slightly delirious, he had assumed that the fact that he and Laura had interrupted coitus would be a rare occurrence.^[2]

It was not.

To be fair to the duo, it was Valentine’s Day, and so he should have expected the two to be amorous. Honestly, it was more the fool him than to expect any different. But he had left his iPad at their apartment the previous day, and he had been itching to keep working on the digital painting he was making Gwen for her birthday.

At this point, having known them for a few months now, Peter was practiced at avoiding looking at their activities, and kept his eyes averted from their position on the couch while he grabbed his wayward iPad off the coffee table.

“Sorry, don’t mind me, just needed to grab this!” He told them, still avoiding eye contact, though he couldn’t help but notice that there were a number of gelatin eggs on the table and a box labeled “ovipositor” that he had to move aside as it was on top of said wayward iPad.

“Have a good night, happy Valentine’s Day!”

As the door slammed shut behind him Wade and Logan shared a heavy glance. Just as Wade went to reach for another egg to load up the door slammed open again.

“Sorry, sorry!” Peter called out. “I need to figure out where I left my pencil, it’s not in my case.

“We probably should have planned this out for the bedroom,” Logan sighed.

“Yeah, probably.” Wade replied regretfully, gathering up their supplies as they began to migrate. Peter hummed to himself as he searched the kitchen, knowing full well that the pencil was almost definitely in the living room but biding his time until they had left for their room.^[3]

+1. The time they fucked in peace

Wade was taking his time. If there was one thing in his life that he took pride in, it was the fact that he was not a selfish lover. Many would expect sex between himself and Logan to always be hard and rough, and it often was, but then there were nights like this one, where they allowed themselves to be soft together. Part of the reason that they often fucked hard and fast was because there were so many people in and out of the apartment (they truly had handed out far too many spare keys) and thus they did not always have time to themselves. But Laura and Peter were in the middle of finals week, buried in studying, the x-men had been given strict instructions to mind their own business, and Mary Puppins was having a sleepover with Al, who despite her complaints when living together has said that she missed the little terror and wanted to spend time together.

So they were finally alone, on their beloved sex couch, and Wade was taking his time. He trailed kisses down Logan’s body, his nails scraping softly against the other man’s skin. He savored the taste of Logan’s sweat, lapping it up from where it pooled on his exquisite abs. His teeth nipped playfully at Logan’s hips as he caressed his ass before making his way to Logan’s cunt. Throughout it all Logan was moaning and making the most amazing sounds. Every time he heard Logan’s pleasure it sent shivers down Wade’s spine, and no matter how many times he heard Logan say his name in ecstasy it was as sweet and wonderful as the first.

Wade may have been willing to go slow, to let things develop naturally, but Logan could not help but find himself growing impatient, the sweet and loving nature of his torture driving him to distraction, his whole body undergoing complete overstimulation. All it took was Wade to take his T-dick into his mouth for Logan to come with a shout. Wade stilled, unmoving and simply warming Logan’s dick with his mouth as Logan’s breathing evened out, coming down from the high. The moment that Logan seemed to go still (though his heart continued to race) Wade applied additional suction and gave a small lick. Logan writhed, his back arching up as he shouted in pleasure. Wade used his hand to tease Logan’s outer lips, hecould feel Wade’s smile around him as he felt just how wet Logan was for him.

Logan shuddered at the tease at the folds of his cunt, and very suddenly realized that as much as he loved the slow approach, it was not what he needed right now. With an animalistic growl he abruptly pulled Wade off of him and flipped their positions, so Wade was on his back. Wade’s yelp turned to laughter before morphing a moan as Logan’s fangs pressed against his neck, as Logan’s wet cunt trailed slick across his fully erect penis.

Logan slammed himself down, taking Wade’s full length in one sitting. They both shouted, and Logan relished in the pleasure-pain as he began slowly but quickly picking up the pace as he began to ride Wade, whose own pleasure was sending what felt like electricity all throughout his body. Wade came quicker than he had hoped, but Logan nevertheless continued to ride him. Wade’s enhanced body included his cock, which rose to the challenge so to speak and remained hard as Logan sought his own pleasure.

After what felt like both forever and an instant Logan came again with another shout before sliding off of Wade and collapsing atop his partner. Gradually their breathing slowed and they drifted off together.

Post-Credit Scene

The next morning Wade and Logan were awoken by the front door slamming open, as it often did. With mutual grimaces they realize they were still covered in the now tacky remains of the previous night’s activities.

“Dad! Guess who got an A on their final paper!”

Wade and Logan sighed, looking at each other wearily. So much for getting to fuck in peace.

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^[1] As it turned out, this Mystique was a younger version from an alternate universe, and had not so much kidnapped Yukio as she had been under the impression that they were together and she was taking Yukio on a surprise date. As it turned out, an incursion event destroyed Mystique’s old universe, and now the three of them are now in a polyamorous relationship. Everyone went home happy instead of Wade, who complained that he could have had a tentacle up his ass instead of navigating the relationships of early twenty-somethings.

^[2] See “Somewhere to Belong” for details of Peter’s first meeting with his parents.

^[3] He did eventually find the pencil, wedged between the cushions of the couch and covered with a mysterious substance, the origins of which he did not want to know. Luckily he still had a warranty on it.