INFERNO APARTMENTS MONTHLY – Where Damnation Meets Community

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🔥 INFERNO APARTMENTS MONTHLY 🔥 Where Damnation Meets Community ISSUE 666 VOL. IX Brought to you by Minos’ Eternal Suffering (and also the leasing office) NINTH CIRCLE FROZEN OVER (AGAIN) By: Minos, Superintendent & Reluctant Journalist Residents are reminded that unauthorized ice-skating on Satan’s wings is strictly prohibited after last month’s incident involving Francesca, Paolo, and a stolen Zamboni from the Sloth Circle. Violators will be relocated to the “Special Hell” (i.e., the boiler room). 🏆 TENANT OF THE MONTH 🏆 VIRGIL “For Bravely Putting Up With Dante’s Nonsense” Our resident classical poet has gone above and beyond this month by: ✔ Preventing Dante from adopting a “stray” hellhound (Cerberus does not need a sibling). ✔ Successfully filing a noise complaint against himself to avoid Lucifer’s karaoke nights. ✔ Mastering the art of the fishtail braid (see pg. 3 for tutorial). Prize: One (1) coupon for “10% off Eternal Torment” (void in the Pit of Despair). MINOS’ FINAL NOTES Stop feeding the ceiling stain. It’s getting sentient. The elevator is not a portal to Purgatory. (Stop trying, Dante.) Complaints? File them in the “Eternal Flame” mailbox (aka the trash). HOT GOSS FROM THE PIT Dante & Virgil: “Just Roommates”? Eyewitnesses report the two were spotted sharing a single scroll in the Lust Circle library last Tuesday. When questioned, Dante winked and said, “We were researching,” while Virgil spontaneously combusted (non-damningly). Francesca & Paolo: Couple’s Therapy Fails (Again) The star-crossed lovers have been temporarily separated after turning Circle 2’s “Eternal Whirlwind of Passion” into a literal tornado. Minos has mandated individual counseling with the demon therapist Dr. Beelzebub (results pending). Cerberus Wins “Best Pizza Theft” Award All three heads successfully stole 14 deliveries this month. Prize: A afterlifetime supply of squeaky toys (which he immediately ate). UPCOMING EVENTS Tuesdays: Wailing Hour Karaoke (Hosted by Lucifer’s Left Face) Thursdays: Gluttony Circle Potluck (Bring a dish or your soul gets eaten) Weekends: ”Escape Room” Night (Spoiler: You can’t.) CLASSIFIEDS FOR SALE One slightly used harp (formerly owned by Orpheus). “Great condition, only lightly cursed.” Timeshare in the Fraud Circle (ask for Piero). “No refunds. (Seriously.)” ROOMMATE WANTED Judas seeks new roommate—Minos is raising rent and 30 pieces of silver just won’t cut it anymore. Until next month, sinners! Stay damned! 🔥 POSTSCRIPT: Beatrice has formally requested this newsletter stop spying on her ex. Request denied.